Gather round, it’s time for Game of Thrones Roll-Call . *SPOILERS* ARE COMING.
1. Jorah Mormont - Present and covered in scales
Q: Are you like us and didn’t make the connection last week that the burnt arm guy was Mormont?? Seems so obvious now but at the time: MIND BLOWN. We feel awful for forgetting he was even a thing.
And the news isn’t good for Mormont. Professor Slughorn’s only giving him 6 months, but not if Sam has anything to do with it!
2. Samwell Tarley - Present and now a surgeon, so it would seem
Sam is fast-emerging as the true hero of this whole show. Not only did he discover a massive stash of Dragon Glass last week, but given his fondness for Mormont’s dad Jeor, he’s taken it upon his adorable self to find a cure and undertake the revolting process of curing Mormont. SAM 4 PRESIDENT
Warning – if you’re at all squeamish, we suggest you look away, it’s worse than the poop scene, poor Sam.
3. Daenerys Targaryen and Lord Varys - Present
So Dany makes a very valid point: if a man *cough* Lord Varys *cough* can betray one ruler, what’s to stop him betraying another? She hasn’t forgotten that he ordered her dead and all that (harsh) but he’s assured her he’s into her cos she’s for The People so we’re all good there.
4. Melisandre - Present and full of good ideas!
So our suspicions have been confirmed, Dany is NOT alone at Dragonstone. Welcome to Season 7, Red (let’s face it, where else was she going to go after Jon ‘Targaryen’ Snow banished her?). Baldie Varys is v. suss when she appears cos of who her ex is, but Dany forgives her and is on board. Red talks all things prophecy and gives Dany the genius idea to at last invite Jon Snow over for a chat and then some. OMG! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??!
5. Tyrion Lannister, Yara and Theon Greyjoy, The Sands and Olenna Tyrell (aka ‘Team Dragons’) - Present and planning
Dany’s crew are assembled and mini wooden figures are GO! Turns out rather than the Unsullied hitting up King’s Landing, they’re planning to take over Casterly Rock. Team Dragons were unanimous in that being a good idea. We too are all for it. :)
The MOST important thing that came out of this whole scene was when Olenna gave Dany a bunch of advice including to ignore clever men, but more than that, she’s given us a GREAT idea for a new t-shirt: “Don’t be a sheep. Be a dragon.”
6. Cersei Lannister, Randyll Tarly and that creepy scientist/witch doctor guy - Present
QYBURN! That’s it.
Cersei is using her mad propaganda skills to convince Randyll and his mob to be loyal to her over Dany by reminding them who her psycho dad was and that she’s probs a chip off the old block. He too had dragons when he took over the throne - how does Cersei plan on overcoming that? OF COURSE Qyburn has the skulls of the old dragons in the basement. He also has the nifty contraption that can kill them...
7. Missandei and Grey Worm - Present and naked
You read right you guys, our favourite almost-couple get it on!! We’ve been waiting for this moment ever since she caught him peeking at her whilst bathing in Season 3, or 4? Leaving for Casterly Rock becomes too much for Grey Worm so naturally he admits his love for Missandei (sort of) and they get naked. About time!
8. Arya Stark and HOT PIE - at last present
Arya runs into Hot Pie on the way to King’s Landing but she is swiftly redirected when he reveals to her that Jon won the Battle of The Bastards and is the new King of The North! THE GOOSEBUMPS!! Safe to assume she’s now on her way to Winterfell, at last back to her family.
Oh, and there was this whole thing between her and who we all thought was her wolf, Nymeria. More on that in upcoming episodes we’re sure.
9. Sibling Rivalry - Present
Jon and Sansa are at it again *eye roll*. Jon wants to accept Dany’s invite and to go get a load of Dragon Glass but Sansa claims he’s abandoning his people. #TeamSansa is strong when he told his sis the North is hers whilst he is away... Watch this space. Also watch Littlefinger, Sansa. He’s still very much creepin’ around (we feel the crypt was an interesting location choice BTW) though the threat of death from Jon before he left is probably good news for you.
Q: Do we think Littlefinger knows who Jon’s parents really are...?
10. Euron Greyjoy and an epic battle - Present
Fast-becoming our most hated character since Joffrey, Euron makes his mark by blowing up Yara’s fleet - what a lovely uncle! It’s a total blood bath. HEAPS of gory action, the Sands family are halved, our new fave almost-couple Ellaria and Yara are captured and poor, poor Theon looks like his old Reek-ways may have resurfaced when he doesn’t attempt to save his sister when he has the chance.
Q: Is this sh*t part of the gift he promised Cersei...? Gosh he’s a jerk.